These are ACTUAL INTERVIEW CONVERSATIONS I’ve encountered in the past year. I won’t name names, but 90% of these ACTUAL INTERVIEW CONVERSATIONS took place at smaller, more regional shops. Enjoy.
THEM: Nice work. You’ve touched some fairly large and recognizable brands.
ME: Oh, thanks.
THEM: Our only concern is whether or not our client roster will be… challenging enough for you.
ME: Getting up in the morning is a challenge for me.
THEM: (Nervous laughter) Well. We will reconvene and get back to you. Thanks so much for taking an interest in us. We’re flattered.
ME: Thank you. Can I have that water you mentioned earlier?
* * * *
THEM: Well, you’re certainly qualified for the position.
ME: Oh, thanks.
THEM: Probably over-qualified.
ME: But wouldn’t you want someone to raise the bar? Qualified keeps the bar at the same level, don’t you think?
THEM: Well. We wouldn’t want you to get bored and leave us.
ME: Who said I’d leave?
THEM: O.k. then. We’ll be getting back to you. Do you mind taking this personality test before you go?
* * * *
THEM: Well, I’ve decided to go with someone else.
ME: Oh, o.k. Why?
THEM: Well, it’s not you because you are definitely capable and talented and your qualifications and references are top notch.
ME: So then why go with someone else?
THEM: It’s a gut call. One of those ‘intangibles’.
ME: Intangibles?
THEM: Yes. It’s ‘nebulous’.
ME: So a nebulous intangible has prevented my getting the job?
THEM: Ha ha! I love your sense of humor. Let’s keep in touch, hear?
* * * *
THEM: Do you have anything against prayer?
ME: Prayer?
THEM: Yes. We are sorta religious around here and sometimes pray before big meetings and pitches and such.
ME: I do, too. No, I have nothing against that.
THEM: Well, sometimes it can get a little animated.
ME: Um, I’m at a loss for words.
THEM: It’s o.k. The Lord hears your thoughts.
ME: (Thinking) God, get me out of here.
* * * *
Then there’s those super comfortable phone interviews…
THEM: So roll the film five years down the road, Chuck. Where have you taken my agency?
ME: Exterior. Sunny beach in the south of France.
THEM: Huh?
ME: Cannes. I’ve taken us to Cannes.
THEM: Oh, right. Of course. Cannes.
(PREGNANT PAUSE WITH SOME WHISPERING ON THE OTHER END)
ME: Hello?
THEM: Yes. We’re here. Just awaiting your response.
* * * *
This time between jobs has begun to feel like the wait I endured for the last Doves album to come out.
Pray with me.
One of those brands I touched. (Although the client re-touched this campaign)
